SHEILD Part I
by bless-ya-soul
Summary: The Avengers have a bit of fun, pranking, etc.
1. Chapter 1

Where's Thor?" Barton whined, collapsing on the couch in the large living room on top of Stark Tower.

"You miss your boyfriend?" Natasha teased, punching his shoulder lightly and sitting on the edge of the arm. She was tired after a tough training session, Rogers thinking it wise that they doubled up on all team-building exercises after last week's "incident."

"No," Barton made a face, scrunching his brow and giving his head a shake. "All I'm saying is if we're being forced to attend "Sgt. Rogers boot camp" he should be too."

"I'm not a sergeant, I'm a captain. Hence _Captain_ America." Rogers said as he fell into a chair. The Hulk let out a loud whine, sitting cross-legged on the ground and making the tower shake slightly.

"Yeah, whatever." Hawkeye rolled his eyes and propped his feet up on the coffee table. S.H.I.E.L.D. had given Tony a new simulator program to try out on the team and unlike most things coming from the organization, this was top of the line. As a result, the team had grown very quiet this afternoon.

Stark waltzed in, looking seemingly unfazed by the last 6 gruelling hours, protein shake in hand and hair already gelled into place. He flicked the back of Barton's head and chuckled as he moved to the centre of the room to play with the air which had magically changed into a virtual computer.

"To answer your question Tweety, Thor was summoned back to Asguard…. for something. I dunno, he left rambling a bunch of nonsense, I wasn't really listening." He shrugged and began calling commands out to Jarvis, who answered back promptly in his posh accent.

Hawkeye pouted into a frown as Widow reached over quickly to squeeze his two cheeks together with a surprisingly strong grip.

"Owww." Barton exclaimed, his voice sounding distorted as he struggled under her grip while she laughed.

"Da wittle baaaabbbbyyy." She cooed to the quiet chuckles of the Captain. Hulk pounded a fist on his chest as he began to laugh at Barton's embarrassment.

The two began to struggle as Hawkeye tried to grab her back. Natasha was too quick and already having the upper-hand, easily swatted away his weak attempt. The duo was interrupted, Barton suddenly going still and his eyes focused on the door. The team turned to follow his gaze, spotting a small-ish looking man standing with his jaw to the floor.

The room fell silent other than Tony's fingers on the various keyboards and screens that had appeared.

"Jarvis show me Central London, 51.30' 51 and 0.07' 32. Cross reference with any mention of "Red Gate" within the last—" Stark noticed the quiet and turned around to find the Avengers starring at a speckled ginger. "48 hours." He finished, turning on his heels and giving the young man his full attention.

"And who the hell are you?" Stark barked at the man, frowning and crossing his arms. He didn't like to be disturbed in the middle of his work. Nor did he want to sign yet another autograph.

"I gave them all to my agent, so call Happy for a poster." He said in a droll voice.

"Oh, uh—" The man had trouble focusing on anything other than the green giant pulling at the carpet. "I'm, uh, not here for an autograph Mr. Stark, uh Iron man, uh Sir." He said nervously, playing with the ends of his tie. His face was bright red and matched his curly, messy hair. He was wearing a second hand suit that didn't fit quite right, and a light purple dress shirt that was no longer perfectly tucked into his faded pants.

The Captain stood up and sighed, "be nice to the kid."

Tony shot Rogers a look and turned back around to continue with his computer.

"So if you aren't here for _Tony's autograph_ ," Captain began as Barton snorted a laugh. "Then what can we help you with?" He asked, figuring if the kid had managed to pass through security, they might as well give him a chance to explain himself.

"I'm, uh.. I'm looking for the Avengers." His eyes quickly looked away from the Hulk to the floor then back to the Captain. They all seemed so intimidating in real life.

"Well, we're the Avengers." Steve said slowly, wondering if the kid was a bit stunned. He sure looked like it.

"Oh, I know that. I just.. You need to come with me."

"What's your name?" Stark called over, not bothering to turn around. This bumbling idiot was getting on his nerves and stealing too much of his oxygen.

"Marcus, Sir." He replied nervously. "I'm uh… S.H.I.E.L.D. sent me." He managed to blurt out before Tony lost more of his already lacking patience. The other Avengers had gotten to their feet and were moving in, circling the man. Even Natasha seemed to tower over him.

"So, Marcus, you an agent?" Widow asked, raising a brow and running a finger down the side of his jacket. Her body was close to him, the tight black jacket creating lines where her boobs were pressing against the fabric.

Hawkeye lowered his sunglasses to the end of his nose, getting a good look at the man. "Well his hair is certainly the right colour. Whadaya say?" He asked the Captain, while grabbing Marcus' lower jaw and turning his head sharply to get a good look at the right side of the boy's face.

Marcus couldn't move, frozen with fear as they circled around him like piranhas. The Hulk bounded over the couch and stood behind Marcus, crossing his arms in a "bodyguard-like" fashion.

"Well are you?" Widow asked again, this time her voice was sharp and dangerous.

"An agent?"

"No, the pizza man."

"Uh, no I'm not an agent. I'm a technical systems and organizational coadjutor." He blurted, eyes darting up from Widow's chest and swallowing nervously as she pressed up closer to him.

Hawkeye slapped his cheek, "Hey. Over here." He said, catching the man's wandering eye.

"A technical what?" Captain asked with a frown. "That's quite the title son."

"I'm part of the LDP program." Marcus added, trying to back up and bumping into Hulk's wide chest. The green giant made a groaning sound that bordered on an angry growl.

"The LSD program?" Barton asked, pretending to have misheard the man.

"LDP program."

"LSD program? You know that stuff isn't good for the brain. Some say it makes people go a bit… Crrrraaaaaazzzzzyyyyyyy." Barton said, adding a twitching eye for effect, his nose almost pressing against Marcus'.

"Time to get his meds." America responded urgently. "You shouldn't have mentioned LSD. Always gets him going. And once he starts—"

As if on cue, Barton collapsed to the floor, yelling and shaking his head violently as if having a seizure. Marcus jumped into the air, staring wide-eyed at the man in purple on the floor. He looked as though he was about to cry.

The Hulk began to roar and pound his chest as though he was chanting. The large monster pushed Marcus out of the way and began stomping his feet in a circle around the spazzing Hawkeye. The room filled with chaos, Hulk pretending to be an indian dancing round a fire like he'd seen on T.V, Natasha moving to pull at Marcus' jacket to slide it off his reluctant arms, and the Captain kneeling down beside Barton's shaking head calling up to the sky, "Why God! Oh Why! He was so young!"

Marcus' eyes filled with water as his mind raced. _He'd just killed an Avenger. What would his father say? Did this make him a terrorist? He was too young to go to jail._ This was only his first week. He was definitely getting fired after this. He couldn't move as tears started to stream down Steve Rogers face. The Hulk began to wail and groan but continued to dance anyways. And Natasha, she had started rubbing the man's shoulders.

"What in all of Asgard—" Thor began, his hammer having been raised ever since he heard the strange commotion from down the hallway. His brow wrinkled into an amused, though thoroughly confused expression. All of the Avengers stopped what they were doing, including Tony at the computer, and turned to stare at the intruder.

"Is this some kind of strange human initiation that I haven't encountered as of yet?" He asked, lowering his hammer. Captain America began to blush and cleared his throat, while Hulk slowly lowered his foot that was stopped in midair. Natasha put some distance between herself and Marcus, fixing the shoulders of the man's shirt and "dusting them off." Barton simply lifted his head and shot Thor a sheepish grin.

"No. It's just the team screwing around with the new intern." Stark replied in a bored voice, having been too preoccupied with his work to have joined in the "fun."

Marcus wasn't moving. He was confused, still not having caught on to the gimmick. There was a second of silence before the man dropped to the floor. He fainted.

"Well I guess this makes it's sorta like an initiation-type-thing." Barton shrugged, doing a kick up from the floor to land on his feet.

"Seriously though, an intern? They sent us an intern. What did they expect?" Natasha muttered, folding her arms and looking unamused.

"And the protocol for—this?" Captain America asked nobody in particular, gesturing to the collapsed man on the floor.

"Leave him." Stark barked. He turned to Thor, "Thanks for finally showing up. Just in time for some work."

The Avengers looked at Tony, curious about their new mission.

"I refuse to scare the pigeons off the tower again," Thor muttered stubbornly. "Mjölnir is the almighty weapon of the Gods, awarded to only those— "

"Most worthy. Yeah we know." The Avengers finished his sentence, each taking a turn to roll their eyes.

"Besides, that not what I was going to say. We have business in London. Pack a bag 'vengies." Stark said, shutting his screen down and clearing the data.

"Oh _jolly good_ , chip chip." Barton said in a horrible mock British accent, jumping slightly before getting a strong push into the wall across the room by the Hulk.


	2. Chapter 2

"So what's in London?" Natasha asked, moving a pawn two spaces forward on a rattling chess board. Captain America pursed his lip before sliding his bishop across to take her knight.

"Damn."

Stark glanced over at the pair, folding his New York Times and laying it across his lap. "The Queen, Big Ben, lots of strange people with funny accents and bad teeth…" He smirked.

Natasha held back the strong urge to throw a chess piece at his head and instead frowned as the Captain took another pawn.

"Red Gate." Tony replied more seriously, finally answering her question. Rogers stopped mid move and furrowed his brow.

"So you found them then?" He lowered the ruck, letting Widow finally win a piece. She took it with a smile.

"We found something that _could_ be them, yes."

Banner came from the back of the jet, having gotten up to stretch his legs. It was more that he needed some peace and quiet, and a little space from the group.

Rogers nodded to the scientist as he entered, "and the plan?" He had decided long ago to take the back seat on this one and let Stark lead. They had been butting heads over strategy for so long now, the Captain put aside his pride, knowing Stark could never do the same. It was for the good of the team after all.

"Plan?" Stark chuckled, unaware that his feet were propped up on the only other empty seat so Banner couldn't sit down. "Well we land the jet, and storm Buckingham Palace for some answers."

"Buckingham Palace?" Banner folded his arms. He had been involved in the search, working closely (and surprisingly well) with Tony for the past week before his latest "episode." He had only woken up this morning as himself and was still feeling the side effects from the change. Dizziness, nausea, extreme disorientation. Not to mention he couldn't remember the last 72 hours. "I don't think I got the briefing." He added

"There wasn't one." Rogers responded with a hint of bitterness, his eyes focused on the chess board.

Stark rolled his eyes but remained silent. He knew it was hard for Rogers to give up his spot as leader, though at the moment he found the move arrogant and just plain annoying. It had been him after all that had managed to find the location of a secret subset of super villains responsible for the recent genocide in several (not-so) distant star systems and the possible hostile take over of the planet. Stark 1- Rogers 0.

Thor knocked on the side panel of the jet, looking at Barton through the small window in the cockpit. He had been flying alongside the aircraft, though was growing bored of the dull and awfully slow ride.

Barton nodded and pulled a lever on the ceiling panel to open the doors at the belly of the plane. Thor disappeared and Barton waited several seconds before pulling them closed again. He pressed a combination of buttons before turning on the autopilot and getting up from his seat. Barton stretched and gave a large yawn before heading to the back to see what the rest of the party was up to.

Thor had entered at about the same time and set his hammer down with a thud, clearing off a chair and sitting back in it. Barton did the same, pushing Tony's feet off of one with a smile.

"Seriously?" Natasha exclaimed, raising her voice. She was getting frustrated with the game and didn't like losing. Rogers had just taken her queen and was quickly moving in. Natasha was seriously outnumbered and her king was backed into a corner of the board. She was leaning forwards and started to mutter angrily under her breath in Russian.

Thor glanced around the small space, happy to have returned to Midgard. Things were always so simple for mortals and he was marvelling at the charm. His blonde hair was ragged and looking messier than usual. In fact he looked a bit worse for wear, weary and tired from his recent travels.

He closed his eyes and let his head fall back slightly. It had been more than half a century since he had taken a nap. Last time had resulted in one of the first great wars, so he tried to avoid it as much as he could. The dozing God had attracted some attention from the other passengers and Barton flicked a pencil in his direction. Thor reached up with lightning fast reflexes and caught the object before it hit the side of his face, his eyes still closed and head relaxed.

Banner glanced over at the weary traveller, concerned for his friend and still marvelling that they worked so closely with a God. _Perks of the job_ , he thought.

"I don't suppose you'd tell us what you've been—" Hawkeye began, only to be quickly cut off.

"God business." Thor responded, opening his eyes and sighing quietly.

"Gotcha." Barton frowned.

"Your father again?" Banner asked, recognizing the weary expression. Thor gave him a look, realizing he wasn't going to get any sleep.

"No, Odin is fine. Angry as usual about something and busy with a current infestation of gurgling ratworms, but preoccupied none the less." Thor rubbed his eyes and sighed again, "no this was more important business."

"I recognize that "time travel face," Stark piped up, his head buried in stock numbers.

"Time travel?" Banner asked, his curiosity piqued. He loved hearing about great scientific feats and longed to take the journey as many of his comrades had.

"It's not all that it's cracked up to be," America read his mind, flicking over Natasha's king. "And check mate."

Black Widow sat back in her chair, crossing her arms and sulking. She remained silent and watched London come into view through the thick clouds.

A red light began flashing and Jarvis' voice filled the area, "Prepare for landing. And I suggest someone retakes control of the helm or I calculate that it is highly unlikely that this vessel will land "softly."

"A fucking comedian," Hawkeye groaned and got up from his seat to head back to the cockpit. "Just what we need, a talking computer that makes jokes."

The group flew down into the busy city, unsure of what they would find when they finally arrived. Were they actually going to storm Buckingham?


	3. Chapter 3

The group stood outside the large gate, staring up at the palace in the middle of a busy street.

"So _this_ is the great palace of your All-Mother?" Thor asked thoughtfully, noting the rather pathetic looking guards with the funny hats. They were definitely not Heimdall, and he doubted their "all-seeing" capabilities.

"No wonder Midgard is always plagued with such war. If All-Mother ain't happy, no one shall see the seven moons of Vanir." Thor's booming laughter echoed through the street. The Avengers had already begun to stop traffic, resulting in a lot of honking and pictures being taken by curious pedestrians.

"So much for laying low." Banner smirked, gesturing his head to Thor's outlandish outfit while the rest of them were dressed in street clothing.

"And it definitely isn't Asguard. I've been to many places in Midgard over these millennia and it still baffles me—"

Stark cut the Godling off mid-sentence with a raised hand. He started walking down the street, away from the gawking crowds towards a corner pub.

Captain America bit his tongue and resisted the urge to question Stark, instead following behind the group.

"Ah yes! Ale!" Thor exclaimed, throwing open the doors to the busy pub. "Three barrels of your establishment's finest ale!" The hostess looked at the immortal like he had grown a third head.

"Would you like a table first or something?" She asked, popping a bubble with her gum.

"No need! Just bring the ale."

"Uh, yes." Captain America piped up from behind, giving the girl a nod, "A table would be good. Someplace in the back preferably. And quiet." He said, shaking his head at Thor.

"Yes! Lots of ale!" Barton began egging Thor on, knowing how the God gets in pubs like these.

"Cut it out, both of you." Stark hissed, giving Hawkeye a whack on the back of his head. "You're both behaving like a bunch of….trolls!"

"He's right you know, trolls are quite childish." Thor smirked, giving Barton a slap on the back. The pair moved away from Stark towards the table, careful to sit on the opposite, most furthest end.

"What are we doing here Stark?" Rogers said finally, growing tired of the dicking around. "Shouldn't we be working on a plan?"

Tony leaned back in his chair, flagging a blonde waitress wearing a short kilt. "Darling, a round of pints for the table." He gestured to his comrades, turning in particular to Rogers, "And a cosmo for you?" He laughed.

Captain got up from the table, growing tired of the antics. Natasha pulled his arm back down and hissed something sharp under her breath. Banner glanced from Stark to Rogers, a bit apprehensively and just wanting this operation to go smoothly with no "green" hiccups.

"Really you should be thanking me," Stark continued, "I mean this round is on me. But the next one's on Banner."

"Works for me," Hawkeye chuckled, winking at the waitress as he took his pint. She rolled her eyes and made a noise, "as if."

"I do not _pay_ for my ale. It is part of my compensation, reward for saving Midgard more times than Hel hasth fire." Thor boasted, gulping down the cold drink.

The waitress had taken Tony a bit too literally and placed a fancy martini glass in front of Rogers. He sighed but took a sip anyways.

Tony glanced around the cozy and old exposed brick establishment. There were old wooden booths lining the perimeter and an old fireplace in the middle of the main area. It was one of those places you never bother going into, but are thankful to stumble upon on a cold winter day.

"Okay, cut the balogna Stark. What are we doing here?" The Captain finally blurted, growing impatient and unable to take the backseat any longer. He glanced around at the rest of his companions who were all hiding smirks in their beer glasses.

"Told you. You owe me that sandwich when we get home." Barton whispered over to Banner, giving him a nudge. "Hulk told me I could have it."

Banner gave him a deadly look.

Stark sighed, rolling his eyes in an exaggerated fashion. "Here he is now," Stark nodded to a tall trench coat that was dodging several tables and heading towards the group.

"Who is?" Rogers tried again, lowering his voice as he watched the newcomer get into earshot.

"Oh this will be fun!" Stark beamed, rubbing his two hands together eagerly and pushing the empty chair out for the mysterious visiter.

The man grabbed his collar and shook off some imaginary rain, flicking his detective type hat up as it was covering his face in shadow.

"No." Rogers said, shaking his head. "No way. This is crazy."

"You wanted a plan? _This_ is the plan." Stark laughed, showing his professionally whitened teeth.

"Well this just got a hell of a lot more interesting." Hawkeye muttered to himself, downing his pint. "Least we all don't need introductions." He added with a laugh.


End file.
